Happy Saturday morning - 3/10/12
I’m writing this from a friend’s house where I’m now ‘living’ for the next three months. J and I are split up. It was my (very difficult) decision.
To catch up a bit - we found out we were pregnant on Christmas day, and found out we would lose the baby on January 17th.
When we found out we were pregnant J began to cry and freak out (understandably so). We weren’t trying, in fact, I thought I was shooting blanks (note to self, the pull-out method cannot be trusted, even though its worked for 20 years). I took the news surprisingly well. I prayed about it as soon as I learned she was late for her period, and felt a calm peace come upon me. It was as though God said - here, here is your destiny, you can stop searching and struggling now. I put my arms around J and said it was going to be all right, in fact it was wonderful news.
After peeing on a stick, it was confirmed (two sticks, actually), that we were pregnant. We kept our scheduled snowboarding trip to Denver over the new year. J and I talked for hours while sweet Ry slept on the long midnight drive. I felt as though destiny was present, and God’s plan had finally been revealed to me.
The reason this is critically important to me is that I’ve been truly ambiguous about our relationship for some time. My attempt to end the relationship ambiguity with a marriage proposal increased it for me, in fact. My previous post about our vacation on the heels of the proposal illustrates this clearly. I’ve often said that I could live happily with just about any reasonably sane woman, particularly after my divorce 10 years ago. J is reasonably sane, intelligent, and loving, not to mention beautiful. I felt like life was about to begin.
The few weeks we spent while J was pregnant were challenging, but nice. A whirlwind of emotions for me were strangely grounded in the knowledge that ‘choice’ had been removed. I no longer had a choice but to stay in this relationship, with this woman, with this family, and make it the best I possibly could. With no choice about whether to stay or leave, it was now easy to make choices to make the best of it.
Still, something inside me said, ‘she doesn’t truly know you’.
When we lost the baby, I lost it. I became withdrawn and aloof. I think somehow J knew intuitively that she might lose me if we lost the baby. It’s been a brutally tough month and a half. I took off for Mardi Gras after J had asserted herself in an unloving way (not a transgression, but nevertheless a straw that broke my back). After spending two weeks on the road, I came back with more clarity about the relationship. It needed to be over in its current iteration. The only question left to be answered was ‘is there enough there to start a new relationship’.
Here’s what I discovered.
Point 1: J, like most women, can be a chameleon. She can morph and change at will to either fit in to a room / crowd, or temporarily become someone she thinks I want her to become. A metamorphosis started when she met me. I think she found a happy, fun, successful man who she was attracted too. She figured out what I wanted quite easily, I’d described it on my match.com profile and I wear my heart on my sleeve. She knew I wanted someone ambitious, fearless, fun loving, adventurous, and sexual. She gave those things to me easily, without effort. She also hid the real her from me. I love the real her, as I know her and see her, but I’m not in love with the real her.
Point 2: I’m a complex, intelligent, driven individual. I have a serious amount of deep seated psychological issues to work through from my family of origin. I’m still a bit codependent, and thus tend to attract other codependents. I have dated someone who ‘got me’ but only once. I, unfortunately, wasn’t physically attracted to her and it didn’t turn into a relationship. I desperately want someone who ‘gets me’. J, does not.
Point 3: I define myself by my positive impact on others, who my friends are, what I do for a living, and what I do for fun. I don’t hide this fact, and shared that I define my significant other the same way. When I encouraged her to leave the job she hated and let me support her while she find something she loved to do, she took that encouragement. In the process she lost her identity.
Point 4: I don’t like dating people who do drugs of any kind. I know, I know, I like weed once in a while and I drink every day. I just can’t handle the altered state of marijuana on a consistent basis. I think it dulls your senses and is harder to control than alcohol. I do admit, however, that my alcohol consumption needs to be tamed.
Point 5: I love wild sex. This one’s hard for me to describe, even to myself. J loves sex as well, but doesn’t have the ability to ‘let go’. I know this is likely compounded by her ex husband and her date rape, and I feel guilty about even mentioning this as a reason why we are incompatible. In any case, there’s something different about a person who likes sex, enjoys the intimacy, even a little wild play once in a while and someone who truly can abandon themselves in the moment. I can’t live without this (scratch that, I CAN live without it, I just don’t want too).
Point 6: I still love J. Damnit. There’s nothing I can do to change her and ‘make’ her get me. I can’t make her want to give up weed, be more ambitious, be less fearful, and abandon herself during sex. I had to make the call. Damnit, damnit, damnit.
Final point: I won’t kick you out of my house prior to Ry getting done with third grade, I won’t let you down on the six thousand dollars and I will fully support you until then, if you ‘got’ me you’d know this. I’ll miss you J.