The Searcher

Matrimony Acrimony

I often write to sort out the thoughts in my head.  This is one of those.

First off, I proposed to J on Friday, 11/11/11.  It was a beautiful dinner, I gave our daughter a pendant and J the ring.  She said yes without hesitation.  It was nice but I was unbelievably nervous.  We went on vacation the next day for 7 days with a couple friend of ours.

J and I fought and were completely emotionally distant during the trip.  Her codependance and dependence on weed were as strong as I’ve seen them (though not as much with me, but with our friends.  She hung out with them and smoked weed with them the first two days.  I brought it up during a sunset cruise our second night in Mexico and incorrectly conveyed that the reason I was upset is because I felt left out.

The truth is, I didn’t feel left out because J and our friends didn’t invite me to smoke with them, I just felt like she chose an alternate reality over one with me.  I admit that I had taken solace that her (and their) statements (that they were not going to smoke while in Mexico, and that they were done smoking weed after they got back) were true.  I was dramatically disappointed by this lack of resolve.

That very night we get back from the sunset cruise and J invites me up to our friends’ room.  Then invites me to smoke out with them.  At that point I bolted, making up an excuse that I needed to make a call or send an email.  Clearly I didn’t communicate what I was expecting either before the trip or that night.

Q: Am I allowed to love J but not like it that she smokes weed?

Q: Am I in the wrong for feeling frustrated when she doesn’t keep her word / promises?  Even if its not a great trespass (smoking weed on vacation, after all, isn’t that big of a big deal to me, I’ve done it several times).

The next day I was very upset, and showed it.  She had a crying fit again, and it set me off - bigtime.  It took me right back to being manipulated as a little kid by my mom’s fits.  I bolted and said I’d meet up with them later in the day.

The following three days were more of the same - lots of drinking by the three of them (I was definitely the odd-man-out), lots of ‘hey, let’s go do this’ by me, which got shot down.  We had planned on zip-lining, shopping in cabo, scuba diving, and snorkeling.  Nada, zip, zilch on those ideas.

Friday, the day before we were to leave for home, J finally asked if I would take her to Cabo, she realized that in trying to ‘please’ the couple-friend of ours, she’d missed out on what she really wanted to do on vacation.  I said certainly, of course, and we jumped in the rental jeep without our couple friend and took off.

It was a nice evening, she conveyed that she knew she’d been codependent and she was sorry about ruining our vacation.  I said I was so proud of her for realizing it and that she didn’t ruin it, let’s just have fun the rest of it (1/2 a day left).

The next day was a whip - our friends had partaken of some harder-core drugs the night before and felt like crap.  At about 1pm (our flight was at 4), J invoked her ‘make sure you don’t piss our friends off’ attitude.  And I simply wanted to enjoy the last few hours of our vacation.  I wasn’t pissing them off, and I didn’t go on vacation to cater to them anyway.

That night, and the next three our four followed our same pattern.  I was seriously unsure about whether our relationship had the potential for quality that I’ve longed for.  We discussed it a few times, and finally had a breakthrough when J admitted she was scared of being engaged as well.

We had four blissful days of loving communication, passion, and twice-a-day vanilla sex.

It went to shit again on Saturday, when I asked J to help me decide how to optimize my office.  Her suggestion quadrupled the work I had in mind, but it was a good suggestion.  I told her I wouldn’t be able to help with the rest of the house - I had to focus on my office, then work, but we proceeded anyway.

She’s been a pissed-off ungrateful bitch since then.  I’ve had another 85-hour week, and I’m exhausted.  I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore, she’s been sick anyway.  I got home, barely had the energy to jerk-off, and was unbelievably grateful that neither she nor our daughter were home.  I feel like I’m trapped on a train hauling-ass toward a bridge that’s out, and no one on the train knows it yet.

Therapist induced marital suicide

So, I was researching on the web to see if my experience was unique, no its not.  Unfortunately I found this article:

Maddening, isn’t it?

There should be a certification program for therapists that provides specific training and insight into the following areas:

  1. Therapists that specialize in blended families, or in cross-cultural marriages (perhaps even same-sex marriages)
  2. Therapists that specialize in therapy for couples into kink of some sort (BDSM, Swinging, etc)
  3. Therapists that understand rock stars, singers, strippers, and any other alternative lifestyle
  4. Therapists that believe in light or moderate marijuana use as a form of recreation rather than immediately categorizing their patient as a drug addict (I’m sure this will happen before items 2 and 3, particularly in states where legalization has occurred to some level)

In addition, they should have an easier to find and use review website (think Google Maps) for therapists, I’d rate my last therapist a 2.  Here’s the only one I’ve found so far for therapists:

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

My therapist is an egomaniac

I know it sounds ludicrous, but I think my therapist is an egomaniac.  The guy has a tremendous amount of knowledge stored in his brain (a trait I admire), but his listening skills are atrocious at times.

I went to my first individual therapy session yesterday (my SO and I have been going to couples therapy with him on and off for over two months).  I opened up with my goals of asking my SO to marry me (I had several other topics in mind, by the way).  He then went on a tyraid for literally 40 minutes (of a 50 minute session) about how I, she, we needed therapy and that we are way worse off than we think we are.

It was an onslaught of almost pure negativity, we had a disease and he had the only cure.  Let me see if I can recall the list: (all these below are his words, by the way, there’s no need to exaggerate)

  1. A snake den, full of vipers and venom, lies deep within both of us
  2. There’s so much shit / baggage, that must be worked out through a year or more of therapy (but only if you really commit to it (at $150 / week / session (that’s $450 / week for her, myself, and couples therapy, coming to $23,000 for the year)) and there’s no hope for a successful marriage without it
  3. I’m a sex addict, an alcoholic, she’s a drug addict, and we’re both addicted to relationships, we’ll have to get away from any friends who encourage these behaviours
  4. I’m a narcissistic egomaniac with tremendous issues left over from my childhood and will not be able to judge whether she’s a good mate for me until all that’s worked through
  5. I need to go to a doctor friend of his for my alcohol addiction, and then join AA, after that I’ll need to join a group that specializes in sex addiction, that’s the only way he’s ever seen it work
  6. I’m combative, and when I clarify anything he says that I said (almost all of it was an incorrect interpretation of my statement / question, by the way) I’m proving that I’m in denial
  7. The first proof of an addiction or a psychological problem is denial, or minimization of the situation / problem, therefore any counter to his instantaneous conclusions prove them to be correct

All in all, an astoundingly under-productive session and a waste of my time and $150.00.

Ugh…anyone know a therapist in the North Dallas area who knows imago therapy and has a clue?


A sigh of relief

So it turns out my bonus was being miscalculated for the year, and they’re upping it by more than double what I’ve received so far.  This helps, big time.  I find myself looking at the big picture and breathing easier, however I don’t feel resolved yet.

Hopefully this financial gain will bring the resolution to my stress and depression soon.  With this resolution to financial stress pending, I can now focus on the other issue that’s been weighing on me…my pending proposal to my girlfriend of more than two years.

As I was researching, I found that any time someone is stressed and is also facing a major life decision, they tend to get depressed.  This rings true to me because I purchased an engagement ring for my girlfriend three weeks ago - I’m planning on proposing.  This should be a happy time, right?  Why then, am I so stressed right now?

Thankfully I know that a great deal of my depression is related to the financial bind I’m in.  If it were 100% related to the pending proposal, I’d really freak out.  Perhaps this means that deep down inside I don’t think she’s the right one for me?  Perhaps it means I’m not really in love?

I know she’s great for me, she is helping me rediscover and reconcile the distant but very real unresolved issues/pain from childhood.  She’s an imago match, for sure.  I wish I felt that consistent ‘elated’ in-love feeling, though.  The one I had when I was a teenager and fell in love.  Logic says that that was hormonal, borne out of ignorance and far from the meaning of true love, but the emotion was so powerful, so palpable, that I can recall it to this day.

Over the past decade, I’ve become a student of spirituality, love and psychology.  I believe in limbic resonance, string theory, and have read and studied ‘getting the love you want’.  I should be good at this, one would think.  Even with my newfound self awareness, however, I am not able to reconcile my emotions with logic.  The best I can do is below:

1. This self awareness may be hindering my ability to ‘feel’ emotions, since I’ve learned not to trust them.

2. My divorce (married for 10 years prior) is still prevelant in my mind, and every inkling of similarity between my new girl and my ex sends a shiver of fear to my very core.

In the grand scheme of things, my life isn’t bad.  But damn I’m stressed.

I have a great girlfriend who loves me, her kid who calls me daddy, and a nice place to live that I rent at a decent rate.  Finances, however, are always very tight.

I’m frustrated constantly, and lately have been struggling with depression.  I find myself lonely, even when others are around.  My back hurts constantly, and I’m tired all the time.  My work suffers, I’m not performing at my potential.

Ultimately, I’m embarrassed and ashamed due to my financial situation.  Internally, I blame the assholes who bought my previous company then screwed me out of $250,000, but the thought doesn’t help.  When I think this thought I circle right back around to my own inability to see the likely outcome prior to the sale of the business.

There are times when logic prevails and I enjoy my life, I just wish I could extend these times and shorten the depression cycles.  I feel like a bipolar person, bouncing between depression and elation on a roller coaster made by satan himself.  It’s a bit like being in a bounce house, curled up in a ball, with demons who weigh ten times more than me jumping up and down.  Most of the time, I just want out of the bounce house - not in a suicidal fantasy kind of way, but more in a ‘get me off this ride’ kind of way.  Other times, I get thrown up in the air, and while I’m weightless, I have the ability to look around and enjoy the ride…right up until landing.