I often write to sort out the thoughts in my head. This is one of those.
First off, I proposed to J on Friday, 11/11/11. It was a beautiful dinner, I gave our daughter a pendant and J the ring. She said yes without hesitation. It was nice but I was unbelievably nervous. We went on vacation the next day for 7 days with a couple friend of ours.
J and I fought and were completely emotionally distant during the trip. Her codependance and dependence on weed were as strong as I’ve seen them (though not as much with me, but with our friends. She hung out with them and smoked weed with them the first two days. I brought it up during a sunset cruise our second night in Mexico and incorrectly conveyed that the reason I was upset is because I felt left out.
The truth is, I didn’t feel left out because J and our friends didn’t invite me to smoke with them, I just felt like she chose an alternate reality over one with me. I admit that I had taken solace that her (and their) statements (that they were not going to smoke while in Mexico, and that they were done smoking weed after they got back) were true. I was dramatically disappointed by this lack of resolve.
That very night we get back from the sunset cruise and J invites me up to our friends’ room. Then invites me to smoke out with them. At that point I bolted, making up an excuse that I needed to make a call or send an email. Clearly I didn’t communicate what I was expecting either before the trip or that night.
Q: Am I allowed to love J but not like it that she smokes weed?
Q: Am I in the wrong for feeling frustrated when she doesn’t keep her word / promises? Even if its not a great trespass (smoking weed on vacation, after all, isn’t that big of a big deal to me, I’ve done it several times).
The next day I was very upset, and showed it. She had a crying fit again, and it set me off - bigtime. It took me right back to being manipulated as a little kid by my mom’s fits. I bolted and said I’d meet up with them later in the day.
The following three days were more of the same - lots of drinking by the three of them (I was definitely the odd-man-out), lots of ‘hey, let’s go do this’ by me, which got shot down. We had planned on zip-lining, shopping in cabo, scuba diving, and snorkeling. Nada, zip, zilch on those ideas.
Friday, the day before we were to leave for home, J finally asked if I would take her to Cabo, she realized that in trying to ‘please’ the couple-friend of ours, she’d missed out on what she really wanted to do on vacation. I said certainly, of course, and we jumped in the rental jeep without our couple friend and took off.
It was a nice evening, she conveyed that she knew she’d been codependent and she was sorry about ruining our vacation. I said I was so proud of her for realizing it and that she didn’t ruin it, let’s just have fun the rest of it (1/2 a day left).
The next day was a whip - our friends had partaken of some harder-core drugs the night before and felt like crap. At about 1pm (our flight was at 4), J invoked her ‘make sure you don’t piss our friends off’ attitude. And I simply wanted to enjoy the last few hours of our vacation. I wasn’t pissing them off, and I didn’t go on vacation to cater to them anyway.
That night, and the next three our four followed our same pattern. I was seriously unsure about whether our relationship had the potential for quality that I’ve longed for. We discussed it a few times, and finally had a breakthrough when J admitted she was scared of being engaged as well.
We had four blissful days of loving communication, passion, and twice-a-day vanilla sex.
It went to shit again on Saturday, when I asked J to help me decide how to optimize my office. Her suggestion quadrupled the work I had in mind, but it was a good suggestion. I told her I wouldn’t be able to help with the rest of the house - I had to focus on my office, then work, but we proceeded anyway.
She’s been a pissed-off ungrateful bitch since then. I’ve had another 85-hour week, and I’m exhausted. I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore, she’s been sick anyway. I got home, barely had the energy to jerk-off, and was unbelievably grateful that neither she nor our daughter were home. I feel like I’m trapped on a train hauling-ass toward a bridge that’s out, and no one on the train knows it yet.